My ex husband was never really meant to be a dad and I struggle with that every day. He hightailed it out of town the minute our divorce was final and ran off to Florida for six months with his mistress. Aside from Christmas, he didn’t see the kids the whole time and barely spoke to them. I’d like to say that “dropping out” was a post-divorce, non custodial issue. But the fact is he was always barely there for the kids.
He’s entitled to see them much more than he does, but claims he’s too busy. Spring break is upon us and he says he can’t see the kids, he has to work. He’s voluntarily decided one week vacation with them is enough although he could have much more. (If it wasn’t for the fact that it’s a family vacation and his mom wants to see her grand kids, he probably would opt out of that.) And last weekend, when the kids had tickets to a great event they wanted to attend on his weekend, he claimed they already had plans. “Plans” turned out to be plopping the kids in front of their electronics while he puttered around the house and yard, having no real interaction with them.
In the beginning I simply wrote him off and decided to trade up. If you told me that 5 years later I would still be single, I probably wouldn’t have believed it. I’ve NEVER gone this long outside of a relationship. But post-divorce dating with kids is a lot more complicated than I imagined it would be.
In the early days, my daughter desperately wanted a replacement dad. She would go up to random men in parking lots and start the interview process, typically choosing married men with wives in tow—much to my mortification. Real life is not like a lifetime movie. At one point she imagined that her dad and I would get back together. When I pointed out that her dad had a new wife, she shocked me with the response, “We could kill her.” Clearly I underestimated her determination. (And called a child-therapist.)
Today however, she is fine with it just being the three of us, and seems to think that getting married and having kids is not for her. I don’t know if I’m happy about that or sad. Girls need their dads. And I hate that she will never know the unconditional love and support I had growing up from mine.
I came from a family that was always together. Dad and I did projects together, but never really felt connected emotionally. He was just Dad and he worked, came home, we all had dinner, but didn’t really bond in the way you mention, I suppose. I don’t think that had much to do with the fact that I never was really drawn to having a child. My parents relationship was fine. The occasional arguing, but who doesn’t. I think little girls experience more freedom and are presented with options to motherhood that seem to outweigh any biological draw. Not sure a Dad that was closer to me, or a better relationship would have changed that. Perhaps it simply made me more self reliant.
Thanks for your insight lulu. And for being the first person to respond to a post since I started this a few months ago! I’m sure my kids are, and will be fine, but I had a great dad and I don’t know what I would have done without him cheering me on. I suppose I just wanted the same for my kids.