It’s been a long time since I posted.
I first started this blog because I felt invisible. But also because I wanted to reach out to other parents who felt the same. Because of that, the goal was to keep it light and uplifting. I have to admit that was a little harder than I thought it would be.
Writing about how no one seems to see this struggling, stressed out single parent was a bit of a rude awakening. I began to notice things I didn’t before, about how I was regarded by friends, family, and the father of my children. I began to see more and more that many of my “friendships” were built largely on the need for the goods and services I could supply. Others were one-sided in a different way. All the conversations seem to focus on everybody else. Several years into my divorce and I feel I am still surrounded by people that never really ask me about what’s going on in my life—much less help out a little along the way.
Hard to look at those circumstances and try to figure out what to do with them. I still don’t really know, but I wanted to start writing about feeling invisible again. Just in case there was someone else out there who needed to hear it. And also to be able to talk to someone about what’s going on in my life. Even if no one is listening.
Thanksgiving is nearing and we were instructed that this year, Thanksgiving would be at my older brother’s home.
My younger brother—the only other sibling with a child—takes his family out of town for Thanksgiving every other year. The same every other year that I have my kids for Thanksgiving. If you’ve read any of my past posts, you will recall they don’t really make much of an effort to include my children in their lives. In fact, they often quite deliberately exclude them from planned activities and events. I’ve always felt that the alignment of their biennial Thanksgiving exodus was another example of that. My kids love their younger cousin, but haven’t really been able to develop a relationship with her as a result.
Except for my younger brother, no one else in the family really has kids to visit or a kid-friendly place. So often there’s often nothing for my children to do, and none of the adults make much of an effort to interact with them—except when they are in the way, or otherwise demanding too much attention. Then they are quick to criticize their behavior. I have twice the space as everyone else in the family and it’s equally distant as everyone else’s home. The rest of the family takes turns hosting, but they won’t come here. They don’t even ask. They just tell me where everyone else decided that the holiday will be celebrated.
When I told my son yesterday that we would be going to my brother’s house again for Thanksgiving, he made it clear he didn’t want to go. He asked, “Why can’t the family come here, mom?” I didn’t have an answer. I’ve asked the same question for years and have received a variety of annoyed responses that all seem point to a variety of inconveniences that I alone apparently should shoulder.
So my boy asks, “Why don’t the three of us just stay home for Thanksgiving?”
I wasn’t really prepared for that question. But then I realized we’ve never had a Thanksgiving at home. My boy is 15 now. And I have two more Thanksgivings with him before he is a grown adult. I suddenly felt so guilty for depriving all three of us of all the holiday memories we could have been cultivating in our own home for so many years.
So I committed Thanksgiving mutiny today and told my family the three of us would be staying in Baltimore this year. It isn’t being well received, and responses have ranged from, “I know its not fair that we never spend the holidays over your house…” to, “You’re being really selfish.”
And I am.
Since this is the one place in my life where I feel that is ok to admit I am being selfish, I guess I’ll start blogging again.