Hi again. It’s a new year and I have only two resolutions. To write more, and to surround myself with kind, loving, supportive people. I have no idea how to go about achieving the latter, so I start with a post.
2018 was rough. There were a lot of losses that I have been processing. Many people I’ve spent the holidays with in the past weren’t there this year. And that made me sad. Like many who struggle to move on, I’ve had imaginary conversations with those who have hurt me on almost a weekly basis. But no resolution I can conjur up in my head ever seems to end those conversations. So I’ve decided to shift the focus of those conversations and start having them with myself. Thus the writing.
I never got the therapy I so desperately needed after my horrific divorce. No one to really bounce the daily hazards of single parenting off of either. Not even my former, childless crew. So as I write about the conversations I am having with myself, I’ll end each post with one truth I’ve learned, and one thing I am grateful for. I don’t know if that counts as therapy or not, but it seems like a good place to start. Here it goes.
Last night, dateless and without much of a plan for New Years Eve, a friend of mine asked if we could meet for a quick drink. She has a toddler, an infant and two older children. She runs a business and always seems to have food on her clothes. Her life is chaos but she always seems to juggle those balls with a smile on her face and a positive attitude. I have so much less on my plate and have a hard time facing the day sometimes. Anyway, at one point in our conversation, her demeanor changed as she stopped to face me. Don’t know exactly what prompted it, but she seemed to know I needed to hear what she had to say. She looked me dead in the eye and told me I was wonderful. I was shocked, really. She said I was a great parent and was doing a terrific job. And then she said it again. And again. Enough times to make sure I heard it and my eye rolling stopped. I wanted to cry. Couldn’t remember how long it was that I even felt that anyone noticed me at all, all I do. This whole single parenting thing and all the loneliness involved with making hard cuts in my life. After that, the lack of party plans for the first time on New Years Eve didn’t matter. I stopped all those conversations in my head with those who have hurt me in 2018, and started some important conversations with myself instead.
I am optimistic for the new year, but I know I have work to do. For me and my kids. It’s time to get started.
A truth I have learned is that I am not invisible. This was an important lesson for me. Sometimes it takes another person’s attention to start looking at yourself in the bright, shiny way you’re entitled to. Look for those who look at you with that kind of admiration and respect and see what a difference those kind of people can make in your life.
The thing I am most grateful for today is the space I have created in my life for new things. For some reason, that space just doesn’t feel like emptiness or loss anymore. It’s potential, and there is plenty of it in this new year for all of us.
Positive people let go of toxic relationships. Positive people surround themselves with other positive people. They realize that toxic relationships only prevent personal growth. They know their worth and understand that toxic relationships only bring them down. Letting go of the relationship is the first step. It’s time to create space in your life for healthy relationships.