Anyone who says that having children doesn’t effect adult friendships is clearly childless. For me, pre-divorce friendships were pretty simple and drama free. As a married couple with kids, we enjoyed the company of other couples with kids. There were no issues among friendships and children played together whether they wanted to or not. When the divorce hit the fan, it all changed.
Couple friends dropped us like flies when we needed them most, and for a while, life was very isolating. Thus the strong friendship I began with my good friend Bacardi. (I hated my old friends for that, but for those who are experiencing the same thing, please know it’s a common occurrence and try not to take it too personally.)
Soon enough however, a new world of friendships soon blossomed. Singles! Some with kids, some without, most divorced, all of them wordly and experienced in ways both personally and professionally that I was not. They were my lifeline at a time when the world was a cold empty place. Suddenly there was much to do on my weekends without the kids, and I was grateful to have such a creative social life with some very interesting people. I went to new places and tried new things for the first time in years. But not with the kids.
While my friendships grew, my kids still had very few friends to call their own. That KILLED me.
I became crazy proactive in trying to find these kids some friends. But there were no takers. I love my friends, but I had to face the fact that this was a selfish circle who didn’t want to participate in getting their kids together with mine. My kids were a little different, I had to admit. Liam has some developmental special needs and Katy was a handful of hyperactive energy. Years of isolation didn’t help their social skills any and so we attended therapy sessions intended to help them “fit in” better with their peers. Eventually, I started to resent my friends with kids who had no problem hanging with me, but didn’t seem to want my kids around. Even when theirs were in tow.
One day we received an invite from a childless friend to spend a long weekend at her beach house. “Bring the kids” she offered. Another good friend was coming with her child and it will be a fun weekend. The kids were ecstatic! However, when the other friend found out about our invite, it was immediately rescinded with a piss poor story that the two of them couldn’t even bother to cover up very well. We had no money for a plan B. That was our only “vacation” planned for that year. My kids cried, and I hated my friends passionately for what they did. But I never let on.
There were a few other incidents where friends invited my kids to parties and playdates, only to stand them up entirely when the time came. I was pissed! In my mind I raked them over the coals for hurting my kids and declared them dead to me for all eternity! But then I imagined myself isolated again. No one but my good friend Bacardi to spend my childless weekends with. So I chickened out. At the end of the day, no one will have my kid’s backs but me. And it scares me to the core.
There’s no resolution to this post. I still struggle with my friends and the coldness the community has cast upon my children. I am still grateful to be a part of an exciting social circle. But secretly, I don’t actually like many of the friends I spend my time with.