The last family photo before my dad died was taken at my brother’s wedding. Altho we all knew dad was in the final months of his life, it was such a blessing that he lived to see the day. All the siblings were together again, which is really rare. My sister who lives in Seattle flew in with her kids. We were smiling and it was a beautiful photo. The whole family was there. Except for two members.
My children, 5 and 7 at the time, were not invited—the only two members of the entire immediate family not present for that once-in-a-lifetime photo. All my brothers and sisters children were welcome and in attendance. My nieces and nephews are older than my children, but there were other young children in attendance. And even at an adults-only wedding, these two should have been the exception in order to have the entire family together for one last time. Yes I am bitter about this.
At the time I was just wrapping up my divorce and was destitute. No bank accounts, credit, or regular employment as I struggled to care for my two kids alone. I was on food stamps, and baby daddy had run off to Florida with the mistress. So I was flying solo with the parenting thing and had zero money for childcare. The event was expected to have me away from the house (with driving time factored in) a total of 6 hours. If I managed to show up just in time for the ceremony, and left the reception early, I could trim it down to 4. Childcare at $10 per hour, $40 total. Baby daddy didn’t really feel like paying the entire courted order amount for childcare—so I sold the bike caddy, the double stroller, and my wedding ring to come up with exactly enough cash to pay the sitter, get a small $20 gift for the bride and groom, and have a little left over to put toward the mortgage.
All worked out until my mother called me in a semi-rage. Apparently I was required to be there early for the photo shoot.
Well, no one told me this wasn’t optional. And since, A: I couldn’t afford it, and B: the WHOLE family really wasn’t going to be in it anyway, I didn’t think it was a big deal. But apparently my soon-to-be sister-in-law heard that I was coming late and leaving early, and went to my mother in a panic.
“You’re being selfish!” I was scolded. “The whole family was going to be there for the photo shoot, and you will ruin that.”
Well, not the WHOLE family, so what the fuck is the big deal? Plus I literally can’t afford the childcare.
I’ll avoid the details of my mother handing me my ass, but of course, in the end, I did as told.
$80 total for the sitter that day. I crunched the math in my head. I had already “gifted” the bride and groom a $1,000 contribution towards their wedding planner by waiving the monetary arrangement we had through settling some of dad’s assets. Plus I got them a pretty nice engagement gift. So I felt that ponying up for sitter so I wouldn’t “ruin” their family photo would be gift enough.
The picture turned out nice. But the family really needs to stop saying how wonderful it was that we were ALL together one last time. It pisses me off.
Today, 5 years have passed. And almost to the day, my brother and sister in law are having their new baby baptized. When they learned that I planned to be there—with my kids—they made it pretty clear our attendance wasn’t necessary.
I thought about coming anyway. They weren’t really telling me the kids and I COULDN’T come this time. But the difference in the newly single mom of 5 years ago, and the mom I am today can be summed up in 3 bullet points:
- The hierarchy of a downsized family can shift dramatically after a divorce. This is just a fact and something that I have come to expect to a degree. It can happen in the community, in church, at the workplace, and yes, in the extended family unit. It’s sad, but a common norm among newly divorced parents from what I have learned.
- The fact is the world is not going to rally around my kids they way I imagined they would. That job is mine, and mine alone. So at the end of the day, if I blow you off in order to focus on my kids instead, you can remind yourself that they are my only priority. You don’t even rank a close second.
- If my kids aren’t welcome, you can pretty much go fuck yourself. We don’t want to be there anyway.